Thursday, January 5, 2017

pre-flight jitters.

I remember as a kid how much I loved going to the airport. I absolutely adore the very long drive there. Extra brownie points if it was a night drive (waking up at 4-5AM to head to the airport gave me the thrills). It was the only time I had exposure to a diverse range of skin tones, facial features, stature. Back then as a 7 year old kid from a pre-dominantly Chinese neighborhood, you don't see a lot of blonde hair beauties with striking blue eyes around.

So airports became this magical in-between place where you can take naps on steel chairs and buy duty-free chocolate and look at planes taking off until it was your turn to get on one. Travelers always look forward to their final destination, but to me all the real fun started right here, in the airport.

Then I grew up. And now I associate airports with goodbyes, and the very real, imminent heartache that follows. I hug friends extra tight when I'm sending them off, I cry when I was the one leaving my home and family behind. The ride to the airport became the most dreaded 45 minutes of my life.

And it kills me that I have to relive it again and again, for the rest of my academic life so long as I choose to come home in between semesters. I don't think leaving home ever gets easier with time, I can't ever 'get used' to it. It will always hurt. And I will always have to deal with it alone, feeling alienated in a foreign country and away from the people I want to be with the most.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

To possess a rich inner thought life but: -

1) not being able to articulate it out loud
2) never feeling comfortable enough to do so


Wednesday, March 9, 2016

waiting on God.

"I believe that more than anything, waiting on God is less about our actions, and more about the state of our heart. It is an internal acknowledgement that God knows, He cares and He has a plan. It means resting in His sovereignty and grace. But it is not an excuse to live a passive life." - Debra K Fileta 


Turning 20 in less than a week. Been feeling all kinds of weird whenever I think about it. I have never (or at least tried not to) place much importance on birthdays, in fact once a year the sudden surge of attention I get on that particular day can be pretty daunting to me, and yet feel very warm and calm at the same time. It's a contradicting feeling, I know. A manifestation of the INFP in me I suppose, to want and not want in the same sentence.

I think I personally grew a lot circa late 2015, when I had to make very important decisions regarding my career path and what I actually want to achieve in the future. I went with the safest route of course, albeit it being infamously known as one of the most boring routes ever too. But what people don't realize, is the potential that exists in that field and how it might be exciting too depending on how the person sees it. There are misconceptions and stereotypes regarding accountants, I'm sure. But as of now, I would think that it will not be my final and ultimate career anyway. More like a stepping stone to even greater things, I hope. As long as the work is challenging in a way that makes me exceed my own expectations of what I thought I was capable of and helps me progress as a person, I think I'll be somewhat satisfied. Besides, I just got my first semester results in my first year of university and accounting was my highest scoring subject, overtaking the other 3 units. A sign from God? SURE HOPE SO. Plus I actually do secretly enjoy accounting. It can be tedious, yes, but I love its practicality and how technical it can get sometimes.

Perhaps I am just trying to justify my choice and convince myself that I made the right one. But you don't understand, after being undecided and burdened with ambivalence for so long, it felt good to finally find a career path that was so structured, so stable. There is practically a very solid plan laid out for the next few years of my life, from university to stepping out in the corporate world. And for once, it felt nice to have something in my life that was subjected to little variation and calculated risks. I didn't have to make a decision this huge anymore, from now on it's just little sub-decisions surrounding my core decision. So that's one (huge) part of my life settled, I hope.

This year things are going to be pretty different I think. Things have been changing every year of course, some in ways bigger than others, and impacts me harder than others, but something about the changes about to happen this year.. a lot about stepping out of my comfort zone, learning more about myself, what I am capable of and what I would want to achieve. I have little control over the people who are about to walk in (or out) of my life, so I'm leaving that department to God. I hope to be brave, most of all. That seemed to be my wish for years now, but each year I felt like I was never exactly thrown out of my comfort zone and put in a situation where my courage was put to the test. So whatever lies ahead, no matter how turbulent, I am very excited for it all.

Here's to another year of growth.

Friday, January 15, 2016

an excerpt from Shame (2011)

BRANDON (CONT'D) No, no, no, no. I'm not.. I'm not saying it like that. I mean, I just mean, you know.. One person for the rest of your life? I mean, it's.. I mean, you know, you come to restaurants, you see couples sitting together and they don't even speak to one another. They don't have anything to say, they don't have anything.

MARIANNE They probably don't have to speak because they're connected.

BRANDON Or they're just bored with one another.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

reassurance for new beginnings.

"Peace I leave with you,
my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid."

(John 14:27) 

"But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

(Isaiah 43:18-19)

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Lessons learnt.

Things I have learnt from my internship so far: 

1. Make a conscious effort to not talk to yourself out loud in public. Because y'know, PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY HEAR YOU.

2. Do not give the death glare to someone when they disturb you, especially when you're totally in the zone. A good alternative is to smile instead. 

3. Always bring food to the office. Always. You might not eat it, but it's okay, because just knowing it's there brings comfort like no other. 

4. Always give your full attention to anyone who is talking to you, or just talking in general. Even if you don't really like them. There is always something to pick up, something to learn from/of them. 

5. Walk with confidence. Put some pride in your stride! People notice. 


7. Express your ideas (to your higher ranking colleagues or mentor) whenever possible, as much as you can. As long as it makes sense and is plausible, throw it out there. It really is quite amusing how my laziness and tendency to cut corners to solve problems has been branded as being 'innovative'. Someone once mentioned that laziness is a strength more than a weakness, I see it now!

6 days down, many many more to go.